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For Food Network Fans

This was way too hilarious not to repost:

I yanked this off of My Marble Rye who found the article on FOOD NETWORK HUMOR website. Steve Totten I’m lookin at you here.

1. GUY FIERI
The biggest loser I’ve ever seen in my life. Guy Fieri runs amok on the Food Network and is the physical embodiment of the midlife crisis. His vernacular is on par with most 6th grade thugs, and his clothing screams “tourist”. This poor excuse for a man dons bleach blonde hair, some ridiculous facial hair growth, sweat bands on his arms, earrings, sunglasses on the back of his head, and a bunch of other assorted jewelery. There is no bigger tool living or deceased.

2. RACHAEL RAY
AKA Raytard, Ray-Ray. She is by far the most annoying “chef” on t.v. for the following reasons: she learned how to cook at Ho-Jo’s, she giggles incessantly, she dumps olive oil and chicken stock onto everything, she claims her food is “healthful” when it actually has loads of fat and calories, she uses dumb adjectives to describe food, and she makes up childish nicknames/acronyms because she claims they are quicker to use but she always explains what the nicknames/acronyms mean even if she uses them 10 times per show (so it’s a a total waste of time in the first place).

“Hi, I’m Rachael Ray and I make 30 minute disasters. In the time it takes you to laugh your ass off at this program, I’ll have made a craptastic and totally artery killing meal which I will try to pass off as healthful from start to finish. Now, just pour the EVOO-Extra Virgin Olive Oil-into the pan for about 5-15 turns around the pan… Once the EVOO-Extra Virgin Olive Oil-is nice and screaming hot in the pan, add your tasty meatballs.”

3. BOBBY FLAY
The unfortunate consequence of the union between television, ego, and blinding mediocrity. A ginger with no talent who throws blue corn and ancho chile powder on EVERYTHING to make it tex mex. The ultimate in Douchbag-dom.

4. PAULA DEEN
This really annoying lady who represents smithfield cooking products. she only says ” hey y’all.” Paula can commonly be found in her kitchen where she is waiting to persuade her family into having heart attacks. Paula’s other show “Paula’s Party” is just her talking about her “wide figure” to a group of redneck audience.

5. GIADA
The hot guido on food network who makes tasty Italian dishes while teasing you with firm breasts and tomato red lips. Her show is the closest thing to food porn on basic cable. She is known for adapting traditional Italian dishes to a level of difficulty that someone as stupid as you could make. She also likes to make you feel bad by exaggerating the Italian pronunciation of words like pancetta (pan-cheyt-ta) and prosciutto (shove-your-cock-in-my-mouth). My girlfriend and her roommates think she has an abnormally large head.

6. SANDRA LEE
A woman who cooks nasty ass food with canned crap on the food channel and who also drinks way too much booze for her own good.

Yeah head on over to Food Network Humor and prepare for a laugh riot.

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About granintraining

Currently in training for grannyhood/mommyhood

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